Sunday, September 21, 2008

Moving On

So I've managed to move past the drama. The pain in my chest has completely gone away, and I must say that it was not an easy feat. It took a lot of venting phone calls/depressing emails to Janelle, and while I tried not talking about it to Irwin, the moment I did talk to him about it, he helped take the other half of the pain that hadn't gone away. We were taking a long talked about walk on the Golden Gate Bridge on Thursday - an unusually beautiful day in San Francisco. We didn't even need to wear our jackets.

We began talking about some things that had been bothering us, our plans for the future, and eventually, the pain I had been hiding (more or less) since the drama started. I don't know why what he told me helped it go away. I knew what he would say.. because it's what I had been trying to tell myself all along. I guess it was a comfort to know that I wasn't alone in how I dealt with the situation.. having him tell me that he would've done the same thing, and that he's been through the same.. It just felt good to know that I wasn't alone. After that, I felt so much better.. because I had been going through the days with such a bad outlook on life. My emotions were doing that and I couldn't get rid of it. I'm not angry anymore - and that's all I have to say about that.

Then yesterday, Justin graduated from the Police Academy. I know I haven't known him long.. and I don't know him that well, but I know how much it took for him to get through it, and I was sooo proud. I kept thinking about Steven, and how proud I was of him too. They've both gone through stuff in their lives, but they turned out the winner. It really motivated me to not be afraid anymore of admitting what I want in my life and what I want for my future.

My outlook is positive now. I feel incredibly relieved.

Thursday, September 4, 2008


i wrote a message to stephanie this morning.. calling her out.. telling her i found out about her lies.. calling ME the liar.. it was a whole big mess that she could've stopped if she just told the truth. and now the truth is out.. and who still gets blamed for it.. me.. the person who wasn't even IN THE FRIGGIN ROOM when it happened.

At first I was going to talk about how maybe I shouldn't have sent it to her.. but now I'm glad I did. I just need to cut ties from her and Lyssa from now on. It's not healthy. I wish I could cut my ties from all of them.. but I can't. I can't wait till Jake's wedding, when all I have to do is ignore them till the night's over.