Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Well, Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I can't wait to pig out. I'm excited to see Irwin's newphews, they're the most awesome little boys I know. I hope my kids turn out just like them.. (at least at that age).

And yet, I have this feeling of melancholy.. leaning more towards sadness and a bit of guilt. I haven't spent Thanksgiving with my family in a while. It's always so hard to go home because plane tickets are so expensive.. and I didn't have a car to drive home. And now I have a car, but I have to work.. and I felt sad yesterday when I told my mom what I was doing for Thanksgiving.

I'm so needy. I remember being scared of losing sight of my mom when I was a child. I used to hate going to the mall especially with my brother, because he had no qualms at all about just running around hiding in the clothing racks, while I on the other hand refused to leave my mother's side. So just as we're about to leave, my mom tells me to go looking for my brother.. and then while I go looking for my brother, the whole time I'm panicking thinking I won't find my mom again. What can I say, I guess I was/am an insecure child. If I were a boy, I'd be a momma's boy for sure.

anyway, I feel bad because while I'm having fun eating great food with Irwin and his family, my parents and my brother are just gonna go to some restaurant. It makes me tear up just thinking about it. I can't wait to go home for Xmas and spend time with them.

so until then, i'm just gonna continue to be excited about what I'm getting my family for Christmas:




Monday, November 17, 2008

The craziness has begun..

It is little over a month till Christmas, and I'm wrecking my brain trying to figure out the best Christmas presents for the people I love. At least my Christmas list is short this year.. sticking to only the people I am close to and of course my immediate family. I figure if its a short list, I can get better gifts for them, and essentially that's the only thing driving me to save save save! I won't buy anything for myself until after the holidays are over.. I need to save every penny.

I'm excited because I have some great Christmas presents lined up and I can't wait to see their reaction.

Anyway, I don't have much else to say cuz its 7:30 in the morning and I haven't completely woken up. I'll try and post some more later... ::yawn::

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Moving On

So I've managed to move past the drama. The pain in my chest has completely gone away, and I must say that it was not an easy feat. It took a lot of venting phone calls/depressing emails to Janelle, and while I tried not talking about it to Irwin, the moment I did talk to him about it, he helped take the other half of the pain that hadn't gone away. We were taking a long talked about walk on the Golden Gate Bridge on Thursday - an unusually beautiful day in San Francisco. We didn't even need to wear our jackets.

We began talking about some things that had been bothering us, our plans for the future, and eventually, the pain I had been hiding (more or less) since the drama started. I don't know why what he told me helped it go away. I knew what he would say.. because it's what I had been trying to tell myself all along. I guess it was a comfort to know that I wasn't alone in how I dealt with the situation.. having him tell me that he would've done the same thing, and that he's been through the same.. It just felt good to know that I wasn't alone. After that, I felt so much better.. because I had been going through the days with such a bad outlook on life. My emotions were doing that and I couldn't get rid of it. I'm not angry anymore - and that's all I have to say about that.

Then yesterday, Justin graduated from the Police Academy. I know I haven't known him long.. and I don't know him that well, but I know how much it took for him to get through it, and I was sooo proud. I kept thinking about Steven, and how proud I was of him too. They've both gone through stuff in their lives, but they turned out the winner. It really motivated me to not be afraid anymore of admitting what I want in my life and what I want for my future.

My outlook is positive now. I feel incredibly relieved.

Thursday, September 4, 2008


i wrote a message to stephanie this morning.. calling her out.. telling her i found out about her lies.. calling ME the liar.. it was a whole big mess that she could've stopped if she just told the truth. and now the truth is out.. and who still gets blamed for it.. me.. the person who wasn't even IN THE FRIGGIN ROOM when it happened.

At first I was going to talk about how maybe I shouldn't have sent it to her.. but now I'm glad I did. I just need to cut ties from her and Lyssa from now on. It's not healthy. I wish I could cut my ties from all of them.. but I can't. I can't wait till Jake's wedding, when all I have to do is ignore them till the night's over.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

bad things

I have come to the conclusion that this year has sucked. It hasn't sucked as bad as other years per se.. but its up there. It's been filled with more disappointment than I thought I could handle, and I feel like the way I used to be.. the Old Maritess.. is finally gone. No remnants of my Good self remains.

I always have such high hopes and high expectations.. of myself.. of situations.. of family and friends.. but somehow.. I'm always disappointed. And it annoys me to no end. I can't do anything about it. It's Karma. I'm an evil, evil person. I wish I could escape from everything, but I can't do it without hurting others.

I just want to start over, clean slate.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Dear me

I've decided to start blogging about everything that happens on a day to day basis. I used to keep written journals and I'd write about how my day went... but eventually I just stopped. I was getting too tired to write, and most of the time I found that my days weren't all that pleasant or exciting. Lately I've been missing those journals.. I suppose it's because there are events that happen and I'd like to keep a record of that for.. whatever. And I find that I think faster than I write, and I also type faster than I write, so.. here I am.

I'm not sure if I feel like starting about today, considering it's still early and I'm at work.. so maybe I'll just wait till I get home.